Tv sweeps

Tonight: The Simple Life Goes to Camp
Why you should tune in: Paris Hilton is going to prison, but the new season of her reality show has her in the outdoors with trees and blue skies and birds. She’s back to being BFFs with Nicole Richie, despite last season’s feud, and now they’re counselors at a place called Camp Shawnee. In the premiere, Shawnee serves as a fat farm with Susan “Stop the Insanity” Powter as the resident diet guru.
Where: E!
When: 10 p.m. ET

Photo credit: Mario Anzuoni/REUTERS/Landov

Tonight: Premiere episode
Why you should tune in: Because of the strikingly unusual trio running the show: Marla Maples, former wife of Donald Trump; Angie Everhart, whose romantic resume includes a past engagement to Sylvester Stallone; and Shar Jackson, famous for having lost Kevin Federline to Britney Spears. Presented for our delectation as women who have not only survived the pains of heartache but come out looking smashing, they help non-celebrities get over the indignities of infidelities, divorces and so on. There’s nothing so validating as validation from someone famous!
Where: ABC
When: 9 p.m. ET

Photo credit: BOB D'AMICO/ABC

Summer is often a sad, sad time for couch potatoes. But keep your BBQs and pool parties—those truly devoted to TV will let nothing keep them from staying indoors. So what’s on the menu for the next couple of months? A few good things:

• Hell’s Kitchen: The third season of FOX’s reality cuisine show (premieres June 4, 9 p.m. ET) promises lots more yelling by Gordon Ramsay and lots more crying by contestants (one male chef literally won’t stop weeping), which means a lot of great entertainment for you. And if you think it’s just an act on Chef Ramsay’s part, it’s not. I met the guy once and he called me “F---ing useless” because I asked him to repeat his steps on how to blanch vegetables. Oh sure, he hugged me after and said he was just kidding, but it didn’t make up for the fact that I’d already wet my pants.

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• A staff writer for Rosie O'Donnell drew moustaches on photos of Elizabeth Hasselbeck, wagged a finger in front of them, saying "I'm not touching you!" and ended on a well-timed, "Nyah nyah."

• To commemorate 50 years in entertainment, The Osmonds will reunite for a televised concert that will be a little bit country, a little bit rock 'n' roll and a lot of matching outfits.

• Stone Phillips won't return to Dateline next year due to budget cuts. Couldn't they just switch to generic coffee in the break room?

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Tonight: Auditions in New York, with Las Vegas next week. A chorus of top 20 finalists—the ones the audience will get to vote on—premieres June 17.
Why It’s Sweeps-worthy: With Dancing With the Stars and American Idol over, this is the perfect reality-talent chaser. Lighter and appropriately more summery, it’s Dancing Without the Stars, a chance for some determined, choreographically adept kid to waltz, samba, tap—whatever magic happens to be granted by Terpsichore. (That’s the ancient Greek muse of the dance, although nowadays it sounds more like someone who does makeup and hair.) And the host is the adorable Cat Deeley, who’s Brit and blonde and somehow much more naturally vivacious than the minor celebrities usually hired for such duties.
Why It Might Not Be: Reality-show audition rounds, as you are probably aware, often allow camera time to people who don’t deserve it, who wouldn’t be naturals even if the show were So You Think You Can Walk and Chew Gum at the Same Time.
Where: FOX
When: 8:00 p.m. ET

Photo: Jeff Neira/FOX